“You are one decision away from a totally different life”
This quote, although a bit simplistic, is also quite catchy and thought provoking.
While big decisions are difficult to make, sometimes even small changes can feel overwhelming to your comfort zone, particularly if you are a risk aversive or indecisive person. We become very attached to the way that things have become in our lives.
We can know that we want something to be different, but often don’t actually make any clear intentional decisions to change them or have a clear sense of how we want things to look if they were changed.
Then there is the situation where someone else strongly believes that there is something that you should change. We are often defensive and feel judged if it feels that their opinion is being imposed on us. If we don’t reflect on what they are saying, we can’t separate out healthy feedback from destructive criticism.
This article is about wide reaching and smaller changes and choices that have to be voluntarily made in our lives as well as those that might occur when something is forced on us from the outside – giving up a habit, a divorce, a loss of job, an emigration, a pandemic lockdown. Each big decision involves a number of steps.
Below are the phases that people need to go through in order to make effective change (the transtheoretical model of change).
Precontemplation (not yet acknowledging that there is something that needs to change)
Contemplation (acknowledging that there is something that needs to be changed but not yet ready or sure if you are wanting to make a change)
Preparation/Determination (getting ready, evaluating, making plans)
Action/Willpower (changing behaviour)
Maintenance (maintaining the behaviour change)
Relapse (returning to older behaviours and abandoning new changes)
Often, we spend a lot of time in the contemplation phase i.e. thinking about something that must be done and believe that we are making progress in doing it, but actually using this prolonged state as a means of avoiding change.
If you need to change something and don’t get round to the stage of preparation or thinking about how the change can happen, then you are probably in denial that something/someone is not good for you, too anxious, lack the confidence to think further or not committed to change. It might be useful to recognize this and wonder what the resistance is to actually looking at your options.
Think of some small aspect of your life which needs to be addressed when reading below-
Some Steps towards Effective Change
You must be changing for yourself even if somebody else has told you to do it. You must buy into the idea that it will be useful.
You must have some clear expectation of something improving in your life by this change.
Be realistic. If you have to give up something, that means giving up, not cutting back.
Notice under what conditions you are tempted and may relapse. If you are giving up a person, remove them from your social media. If you are a smoker, do not take “just one drag” from someone’s cigarette.
If your habit comforts you when lonely, bored or upset, learn ways to acknowledge and regulate those feelings.
Learn coping skills e.g. if you are trying to give up possessive behaviour, learn techniques to calm you down, get to understand what your insecurities are about.
Be realistic about what you can change and in what time frame.
Get social support for your challenge. If you are giving up any habit that has a support group attached e.g. drugs, drinking, overeating, pornography, gambling, use it to maintain your change.
Affirm your progress and efforts to encourage you to continue.
Notice what triggers relapses. If possible, avoid those people or situations.
If you relapse, get back into your intention straight away. Reflect on why it happened and learn from it.